


Nervous

by M_Renoir



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: (it's just heavily implied), Also the beginning might have some light dubcon themes because, Ambiguous team, Angst, Chapter 2 is nicer though, Hurt/Comfort, Light Bondage, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Porn With Plot, Spy is very reluctant for most of the beginning so like just so you're aware, in my neighborhood? more likely than you think, it's not even porn they don't even get that naked, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 09:38:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18385826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_Renoir/pseuds/M_Renoir
Summary: It's been a very long time since Spy tried being on the “trapped and tied up” end of bondage. In fact, he was very much used to being the one on the “trapping and tying” side, and preferred it that way. But when Engineer wants to try it out for a change of pace, Spy finds himself grudgingly agreeing to see what happens.Aka a couple times Engie accidentally toed the line with Spy.Aka you don't need to be able to live out all your sexual fantasies with your partner in order to have a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship with them.Aka consent is important and you should be 100% certain when giving or receiving consent and if you are at all hesitant you should communicate that with your partner(s) about that hesitation and work on it from there.Aka love comes before sex in healthy loving relationships.Aka I'm a huge sucker for cleverly (or not so cleverly) disguising character studies as porn fics.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you're ready.

Last time Spy let himself get tied up, he was pretending to be a damsel in distress in order to infiltrate a highly protected military base.

 

Last time Spy was unwillingly tied up, he was captured after making a near-fatal mistake while attempting to escape with a diamond ring worth it's weight in gold. Probably more. Unfortunately, this incident was far more recent than he would have liked.

 

So understandably, he was hesitant when Engineer suggested that they experiment with “light” bondage. In Spy’s opinion, anything that involved tying him up was not light at all, but since his lover had seemed so earnestly eager, he very reluctantly caved and agreed. In fact, he felt like it would really ruin the mood of he were to say no, at least at the moment, with the moment being the two of them pressed up close against each other on the cot tucked away in a corner of the Engineer’s workshop. Engie was straddling Spy’s hips, a length of electrical cord and Spy’s belt in hand, while Spy lay on his back beneath him.

 

“Alright then,” Engie was saying with muted excitement. “This’ll teach’ya to stop wrigglin’ around, you dadgum snake.” Spy wiggled slightly anyway, angling his hips to brush against Engineer _just so_ as the stocky man leaned over Spy to tie one of his hands to the bedpost with the cord. He knew how to play the part. He was just still on the fence about actually playing that part.

 

“I'd like to see you try and _stop_ me,” he purred back, squashing the rising panic in his chest. Logically speaking, he was safe here, with his precious laborer. There was nothing to be worried about. To distract himself, he tested the strength of the binding as Engineer grabbed his other arm and pulled it back towards the other bedpost. Engie really knew how to tie knots, unfortunately, and soon Spy found himself flexing his arm muscles less to experiment and more to ground himself in the moment.

 

Engineer didn’t notice his lover’s discomfort until Spy glanced nervously between his bound hands, pulling a little too strongly against those bindings.

 

“You alright there, darlin’?” he asked, stopping and gently cupping Spy’s face with one hand. It took all of Spy’s willpower to not jerk away as a shred of a half-repressed memory flashed before his eyes. “We can stop anytime you like.”

 

“No--Non. I'm fine,” Spy insisted. This wasn’t worth getting worked up about. “... Perhaps we should… Come up with a way to communicate when to stop.” Engineer nodded, not moving from where he was seated, admittedly rather awkwardly, across Spy’s hips. Seeing that Engie was listening, Spy continued. “If I tap something three times, we stop.”

 

“Sure thing, darlin’,” Engie agreed, leaning down to seal the deal with a quick kiss to Spy’s lips. With that slight reassurance in mind, Spy forced himself to relax against the cotton sheets he was laying on. Some people enjoyed this, he reminded himself. He was among those people at some point. That point in time felt increasingly distant as Engie fell back into character and pretended to glower down at Spy with triumph.

 

“Looks like you ain't goin’ nowhere, boy,” he commented, a low chuckle escaping his lips. “Now… Whatever shall I do… with... you?” As he spoke, he punctuated his words by running his fingers down Spy’s exposed chest one at a time. For the first time since Spy’s hands were tied (literally and figuratively), the assassin felt a tiny thrill deep in his gut. A grin played on his face as he leaned up to the best of his ability.

 

“I don't know, monsieur. I've never pegged you as the creative type,” he replied, a small smile playing on his lips.

 

“The answer is ‘whatever I damn well please’,” Engie replied, brusquely pushing Spy back down onto the bed. Very obligingly, Spy let out a small huff of air as he landed amongst the blankets.

 

“Shall I beg for my life?” he asked mock-innocently, words leaving his mouth before his brain could filter through them.

 

“No… But you’ll be beggin’ for somethin’ else real soon,” Engie growled, his eyes darkening as he watched Spy’s prone figure. The blood in Spy’s body couldn't quite decide which way to go at that point, split between his brain or somewhere a lot lower. He could feel his pulse racing, an unmistakable rush of adrenaline suddenly coursing through his veins. It was exciting, dangerous… And not in the slightest nerve wracking. Not at all. Of course not. Engineer must have taken the sudden flush spreading across Spy’s face and down his chest as a sign of arousal--which under normal circumstances, wouldn't be an inaccurate assumption--and continued, leaning in to kiss and suck at Spy’s collarbone. That was fully acceptable. More than acceptable, in fact. It was enough to make him forget about his arms, which were starting to ache a little from being held in an uncomfortable position. A long moan escaped Spy’s lips as he arched his back, trying to encourage Engie to keep going. But suddenly, the rough stubble mixed with the soft, wet warmth of his lover’s tongue were gone, leaving Spy panting and wanting more.

 

“I think someone’s enjoying this a little too much,” Engie teased, a hint of his everyday, amiable tone breaking past the character he was trying to keep up.

 

“And I think I might kill you if you stop,” Spy retorted, his tone perhaps a little too pointed. Again, he tried to sit up before he was roughly shoved down again by Engie, one hand grabbing him by his throat and lips against his.

 

That was the tipping point.

 

Spy’s body jerked like a bowstring snapping, the assassin bucking with much more force than necessary and was almost successful in pushing Engie off. The Texan, caught off guard and the blood in his body rapidly trying to decide where to go, sat somewhat dazed, half on top of Spy.

 

“Wh--Spy--” Engie couldn’t finish his words before he was interrupted by the sound of bone cracking, before Spy was reaching for his knife and using it to frantically cut though the electrical cord binding his other hand in place. Barely bothering to get dressed when he was free, the assassin snatched his cloaking watch off the pile of clothes he had abandoned beside the bed and disappeared, leaving Engie to sit on the bed and stare at the empty space where his lover was laying only seconds earlier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is made of 100% Tumblr-certified SFW material. No female presenting nipples were shown in the making of this product.

_ Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid _ . Spy berated himself silently as he rounded the corner to reach his smoking room.  _ How stupid can you get? _ Not saying something earlier, storming out of Engie’s room like that, probably leaving him incredibly confused and no doubt hurt--But it wasn’t his fault. 

 

It must have been the hand on his throat. Memories rattled around in his brain like so many marbles in a tin can, each one of them threatening to come to the forefront when Spy would very much rather forget about all of them entirely. 

 

To the casual onlooker, the door to Spy’s smoking room opened and slammed closed on their own. To Spy, it was just another thing that cemented the fact that he was likely never going to see the Engineer again. That thought only rubbed salt into his reopened wounds. The fact that his reaction--his memories and his past--had caused him to literally break his hand to escape and run off with his tail between his legs was not only hurtful to Engie, but humiliating for himself. Spy groaned and collapsed into the softness of his armchair, his cloak fizzling out. Pain twanged in his hand, reminding him that yes, he did indeed break some bones when escaping. That would just have to be dealt with later. A broken hand was not worth going through respawn for, but he also did not want to explain the reason to Medic. That left… The Engineer. There was no way Spy was going back to see Engineer, not after his latest embarrassing feat. 

 

At some point, he pulled a cigarette out and lit it, puffing on it to try and calm his nerves. 

 

It was a little-known but much-suspected fact about Spy that he had been through war. The War, to be specific, World War II. He was still young at the time, barely an adult, and inexperienced in the art of espionage. That was a story he rarely told anyone about, preferring people to guess. It had come up in conversations between himself and Engie, of course. The scars on his body were quite distinctive, and Engie had a habit of touching them, whether it was with kisses or his hands. Something about the loving way he did that made Spy want to bare his soul to his lover, but he had always held back. It was irrational but rational all at the same time. Something people never seem to understand about paranoia, in Spy’s opinion, was what seemed so irrational to everyone else was actually extremely rational to him. Rationality was relative. He could justify his closed lips with a lot of reasons. That being said, he doubted that his violent reaction to being tied to a bed and roughed up slightly was going to be quickly forgotten. It was also information about him--sensitive information. 

 

The pain in his hand pulsed and burned. Spy was suddenly seized by the urge to just escape. Get everything he owned, hop into his car--or steal someone else’s, it didn’t matter--and escape into the desert night, never to be seen again. Running away from his problems had seemed to work in the past, why wouldn’t he just do it now? The Frenchman was just about to stand and go to find his passport when a hesitant knock on his door interrupted his thoughts. What? With a guilty jolt, he realized he was only half dressed, if that. His collared shirt hung open, revealing his chest, and he was only wearing one of socks. His briefs were still on, thank God, but he needed to maybe look a little more decent before answering the door. A second, more insistent knock sounded on the door. 

 

“Go away!” he snarled, willing his voice to not crack. Spy ducked behind the sliding bookcase that hid his personal quarters and retrieved a bathrobe, which he hurriedly donned as he went back to the door and peered through the peep hole to see who could possibly be disrupting him now. 

 

Engie had sat, shell shocked, on his bed for a solid five minutes by his estimates before he moved again. Spy was just. Gone. In a flash. Had he pushed his lover too far? He didn’t remember Spy tapping on anything, but he was also extremely preoccupied, so he could have missed it. Whatever it was, Engie felt… Hurt. Hurt and extremely guilty. He should’ve double, triple checked with Spy. Hell, he should’ve linked the spook up to a polygraph machine to try and get the truth outta him, but knowing Spy, he’d just lie through his teeth anyway. Regardless, the man probably knew how to cheat a polygraph test. Engie just didn’t know what to do. He picked up the ruined electrical cord--Spy had really done a number on it--and collected the other articles of discarded clothing around the bed. Some were Spy’s, some were his own, all of them were rumpled and slightly dusty from having been thrown haphazardly away as the two clambered into bed moments earlier. Strange how quickly the mood could change. Engie folded the clothes into two stacks, intending on giving Spy’s clothes back to him soon. Then, he remembered the belt. And the very concerning cracking sound that occurred right before Spy got his hand free and reached for his knife. It had all happened so quickly, Engie wasn’t sure of what the sound came from until afterwards. Spy’s hand must be horribly mangled. A stab of deep concern shook the Texan to his core, and he hurriedly went to find a medpack he kept laying around in case of workshop injuries. 

 

As he walked, he tried to piece together  _ why _ he had felt so much dread when thinking about Spy’s broken hand. They received worse injuries every day. They had both been burned, shot, blown to bits, stabbed, injected with poison, and otherwise been killed in increasingly grisly ways for years now. Then, it hit him. The look in Spy’s eyes as he tried desperately to get free, the way he tore at his bonds, the way his loud footsteps had quickly receded into the distance--all of it reminded Engie of a trapped prey animal. Bunnies were known to kill with their kicks when trapped. Mice were known to bite the cat that trapped them in a corner. And Spies… Well, Spies fought tooth and nail to escape capture, even at risk of death. 

 

Engie worried at his lower lip with his teeth as he arrived at Spy’s door. He definitely should’ve held back. It was too soon in their relationship to try something like that. Sure, Spy had agreed and all, but Engie knew that agreement at the start didn’t always mean agreement in the middle. 

 

When Spy didn’t open the door after he had knocked twice in a row, Engie grew worried. He rapped a little more insistently on the door and called out. “Spy? You in there?” The sound of several locks unbolting was his answer. Engie slowly cracked open the door to find Spy curled up on his velvet-lined chair, one hand tucked to his chest and the other clutching a cigarette like a lifeline. 

 

“Spy…” the Texan began gently, holding up his hands to show Spy that he meant no harm. Spy didn’t acknowledge his class title, only staring at a space somewhere to Engie’s left. “Spy, I’m sorry.” That elicited a flickering sideways glance from the assassin. “I’m sorry I pushed too far. I shoulda checked in before getting rougher with you.” He paused and shuffled his feet, looking down at the rug he was standing on. “I shoulda never suggested this in the first place. If I knew I was gonna hurt you like tha--”

 

“Non. It’s not your fault.” Spy’s voice sounded thick and raspy, as if he was barely holding back tears. Engie felt another sharp pain in his chest. “I should’ve just said no to begin with. But I wanted--I wanted to satisfy your desires in bed. I used to enjoy this, believe it or not, when I was younger.” 

 

Engie chuckled quietly, remaining a short distance away from Spy. “I’d probably believe whatever you told me about your past,” he admitted sheepishly. “But I believe that. It don’t mean you gotta like it now, though, right?” Spy stared at Engie like had spontaneously sprouted a second head, but didn’t speak. “I mean--Sometimes you like things you didn’t like when you were younger, or dislike things you used to like. People grow outta things, the more--uh--sexual things included. I mean I used to like doin’ people with my machines,” he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. “College, y’know? Kids explorin’ sexuality an’ all that. Havin’ 11 phds didn’t exactly give me much time with any lovers I had, so I figured why not use machines as a substitute? Turns out it weren’t as great as I thought it would be, so… I quit doin’ that. I realized it’s better to be there in person.” He paused in his rambling to hold out the med pack to Spy, who stared at it for a beat before wordlessly accepting it. Engie took that as a sign to continue talking. 

 

“‘Sides--I don’ know what happened to you before you got here. Hell, I don’t think I know what went on with you even after you got here. I shoulda asked, and I shoulda asked more than once.” He fiddled with his hands nervously. “I hope we can… Get past this. Not doin’ one thing ain't gonna make or break a relationship. I don’t wanna do anythin’ that’ll hurt you, darlin’, and I feel real bad about makin’ you feel like you had to do something you didn’t like.” 

 

“It’s not... Your fault. Not entirely.” Spy finally spoke out loud again, after using the medpack to bandage and mostly heal his hand.  _ I have a hard time being honest about my boundaries. I have a lot of past traumas that resurface when participating in bondage and other BDSM-related activities. I don’t like being trapped. I don’t like being tied up. I want to be safe. _ The words, simultaneously too much and none at all, wrapped themselves in a ball that was too large for Spy to articulate. Thus, they stuck in his throat like so much phlegm. “I…” 

 

Engie waited patiently, standing in front of Spy. This was important. Obviously. But he didn’t want to push Spy to say something he wasn’t prepared to say. “You don’t have to tell me,” he explained gently. Making sure to telegraph his movements, he gently rested a hand on Spy’s shoulder. That was a consistently safe spot, he had found, to touch Spy. “I don’t need an explanation to know not to do something.” 

 

The words tumbled out after that. “I was tortured,” he blurted, feeling his face burn with a feeling he could not quite put a finger on. Embarrassment at opening up? Chagrin for dropping his wall so easily? Relief that his secrets were finally brought to light? “During the war. And on missions--after that. One man, he… He tied me up and--” He swallowed, his throat clicking before he continued in a quieter, more hoarse voice. “He did… Unspeakable things. I--” Spy found himself again, struggling for words. “What we were doing--it just… Reminded me of that.” Leaning forward, he sagged against Engie, who quickly moved to support Spy’s weight. The stocky man wrapped his arms around Spy, not squeezing too hard but holding him tightly enough to warm up his thin, cold frame. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Spy--I shoulda guessed something like that had happened to you,” Engie murmured quietly.    
  


“You couldn’t have,” Spy retorted. “I’m too good at hiding my feelings.” Engie could detect a hint of the Spy’s usual smug pride when he spoke, and he chuckled, the laugh rumbling through his chest. 

 

“Well yeah… But I like to think I’m pretty good at makin’ educated guesses.” Spy fell silent, but Engie could practically feel his lover rolling his eyes. The two men stayed there for a few moments longer before Spy shifted slightly to sit up straight. Engie obliged him, drawing away to allow the man a little room. 

  
“You feelin’ better now?” 

 

“Oui. Though I’m afraid the mood has been thoroughly ruined,” Spy replied, a hint of regret lingering in his voice. 

 

Engie waved his hand dismissively. “Oh don’ worry about that--It weren’t gonna be fun if both of us weren’t equally into it. Let’s just head on to bed, yeah? I think we’ve had enough excitement for one night.” As if in agreement, Spy yawned hugely before he could stifle it. 

 

“O…Oui. You’re right.” He stood, looking down distastefully at his current state of undress. “I suppose I’ll have to go and retrieve my clothing from your room at some point.” 

 

“That can wait til tomorrow,” Engie replied, moving in to put an arm around his taller lover’s waist. “Let’s just stay here tonight.” The unspoken implication that Spy may feel safer in the sanctuary of his smoking room hung in the air briefly before Spy agreed with a silent nod, leading the way into his private chambers. The two of them undressed in practiced silence, falling into sync as they clambered into bed. Before his head even hit the pillow, Spy was asleep. Engie took a little longer. He watched Spy’s shoulders rise and fall among the soft blankets of Spy’s bed. There was just something so incredibly peaceful about Spy when he was asleep, like the worries of his life fell away for just a few hours. He looked younger, happier, even under the mask. Engie closed his eyes and cuddled up close, pulling the much lankier man into a gentle, loving embrace. It wasn’t long before sleep overtook him as well, and he fell into a peaceful sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you it gets better. 
> 
> Engie's a good bf, he's doing his best. Spy's also doing his best. Consent and communication are important folks. 
> 
> Also this is something I sorta noticed after awhile, that in all of my fics so far Engie has been vaguely trans-coded/ambiguous so take that how you will.
> 
> Spy's always been a cis dude in my eyes, but Engie? I? Can feasibly see him as trans, because as a fellow trans man I...... .like to add foreshadowing in unconventional places. I also like reverse psychology. I'm also emotional about Engie in general, so get ready folks.

**Author's Note:**

> Tired: Spy is a sub who likes losing control due to control problems  
> Wired: Spy reacts violently to losing control due to control problems 
> 
> I wrote a whole ass rant, deleted it like 3 times, and ended up with this very succinct summary of how I feel about sub!Spy in classic meme format. I think porn tropes have a place in the writing/art world but I personally cannot sacrifice a character's integrity as a well-written and developed character with traumas, experiences, likes, and dislikes for the sake of some steamy fic. I just can't. 
> 
> This isn't meant to be sexy, tbh it's meant to be a commentary, like I know most people don't read fanfiction to see a commentary on consent and how trauma affects your sexual life etc but that's how I roll, sorry,,?? 
> 
> Also huge thanks and shoutout to Gee who helped me flesh out some of the ideas of this, because I was originally gonna have Spy and Engie stop the whole bondage thing and do their regular vanilla routine, but talking to them made me realize that it would be a more interesting story to push Spy to his limit and cause him to react drastically.


End file.
